Category Archives: Sons

Of Boys and Men

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I have wanted to revive this blog for a while. And actually I have a list of things I want to write about but honestly I have been putting them off for another day. I am probably overthinking this blogging thing way too much… Maybe tomorrow? Is this a thing worth writing about? But today, a situation pushed one of the items on the list to the top with such a hard thrust that brought me to this blank page. So, sorry, Friends, there will be no “Welcome-back-to-the-blog-party” today.  That will have to wait.

pexels-photo-261909.jpegMoms of Boys, please, please don’t make excuses for your sons. Please! You will pretty soon regret doing that. Stop that habit now, it will destroy your dear son’s life.

I have been teaching, for almost 11 years, high-school students, and without a doubt, I can tell you that more and more I am seeing moms of boys excusing the irresponsibility of their sons.  And more and more moms are using their sons’ personality traits to do so. He is introverted. He is very smart but you just can’t see it. He is the most responsible 15 yo boy I know and the most hardworking one, but you are not extending enough Christian Grace to him. Please be more understanding and give him some room to grow.  He is too tired, he is growing up, you know? He was late to class because *I* forgot to wake him up, please don’t deduct points from his grade. etc. And so it goes. And so goes the destruction of their sons.

Proverbs speaks to all of us, of course, but it was originally written by a father to his son. And it is very interesting to see how the father urges his son to listen his mother’s instruction (1:8) and to not forsake the teachings of his mother (6:20). So clearly we moms have a huge role to play in the life of our sons. But how are going to use that influence? What we we teaching them? Are we instructing them with the Word of God in hand?

We read the articles around the web and we see what a terrible need there is for truly godly men to rise, for pious men to lead their families in the Lord, for godly men to own their responsibilities and step out and be brave and do the right thing. And at the same time we hear the big question resound all over, Where are these men?  I have no doubt that part of the answer is one that Moms of Boys must give.

I am not writing here to address the problem of lack of Father figures -of Father hunger, I am writing here to address the responsibility moms have in all this.

Moms of Boys, stop making excuses for your son. Let him own both, his own responsibility and his irresponsibility, and the consequences for both. Ask God to give you eyes to see what you don’t want to see. Ask God to open you eyes to see what others see in your son and you keep denying.  Ask God to give you a brave heart to say “No, I am not covering that lie anymore.” “No, I cannot keep this situation from your Dad.” “No, I cannot call your teacher to give the explanation you want me to give.”  And even this, “Yes, I agree with you, I believe that the grade your teacher gave you is unjust; but son, I believe that God is allowing this in your life to show you that in this world, not all things are just. You can learn so much from this. Toughen up and do it again. Honor God. Be a man.”

Behind a weak man, many times there is an overprotective mom, a mom that believes her son is the most wonderful, mature, and responsible young man in the world. Behind a weak man, many times there is a mom that puts every effort to make of every situation a safe-place for her son. Behind a weak man, many times there is a mom willing to be the one who faces the teacher or boss, or pastor while her son is playing video-games.

Moms of Boys, take heart, look up to Jesus, the Perfect Man and lean on Him for grace to do what He has called you do.

Under His sun and by His grace,

Becky

P.S. The only announcement today is this: many links in this blog are broken since we moved it from Blogger to WordPress, and it might take a while to repair them. Thanks for your understanding. 🙂

 

 

 

Before Doing the Next Thing

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“Just do the thing in front of you” Elisabeth Elliot said, and I have always believed that statement to be true, but now I am on a different place and I’m seeing things from a different angle. Yes, doing the next thing God calls us to do is mandatory, but sitting still for a while before moving towards the next thing is as important as moving forward. Finding a quiet time is, many times the next thing we ought to do. Especially for those of us who are prone to move.

Our second son just got married, and we are very grateful for the new daughter that we now have. We love her deeply. We are grateful for the many, many prayers we have prayed before our Father who hears us for our son and this wife; we are grateful for the gift of seeing them start their new family with prayer, anchored in the Word. I am truly grateful and very happy. But it is still a hard thing to let your son go. Doing the next thing for me now looks like slowing down and reading my Bible more and making more room for prayer.

My dear friend and I had this conversation a few days ago, that made me think more on what it means to feel this void in the heart that is very hard to explain because, paradoxically, my heart is more full now. She said that when we marry a child we finish a job, and finishing a job is always something solemn and sober that calls for reflection. How I agree with her!

You know, Friend, turning the page quickly to the new chapter of your life sometimes cannot be done quickly. Sometimes it is good and important to take the time to reflect and pray before doing the next thing. To recall the many prayers you have prayed, the answers God has given, the promises that have sustained you is a good thing to do. Morbid introspection has no place here. It is not about us, remember, it is about God’s glory and His promises, it is about His perfect and sovereign plan and us becoming more like Christ. Doing the next thing many times is not necessarily moving forward, but  slowing down and praying more, asking God to give you a promise that you can hold unto in the days and months to come.

Some days and life events should look more like your favorite book: you finish a chapter and you love it so much that instead of not wanting to put your book down to see what comes next, you close it and want to linger on it a bit more. It is so good, so rich, that moving quickly to the next chapter is not a good idea. You need to let the story sink down. And then, when you turn the page, you understand the story better and love it even more.

We are so quick to move, to do the next thing right away that we end up living an unexamined life, and Socrates got it right, an unexamined life is not worth living.

So yes, let’s do the next thing, but first let’s take time to slow down and consider Christ and the work of His Spirit in our own lives.

Under His sun and by His grace,

Becky

A Prayer for my Sons -Acts 18: 24-28

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In Acts 18:24-28 we read of Apollo, a man who labored with Paul to serve God and the saints in the primitive church, and who stood faithful to his calling to the end. The Lord has drawn me to read this passage several times lately and after mediating on it, I have made it a prayer for my sons (and my daughters’ future husbands).

Father, I pray for my sons, for these men. Thank you because they have grown before You and grown in You.

Lord, I pray for them, for no matter where they are or how old they are, I will never cease to struggle in prayer for them before you. I know that you are the God who hears, who sees, who answers the prayers of your children.

I pray for my sons -and future sons-in-law- Father, that they will be eloquent and competent in the Scriptures, that they will understand that the only way to win arguments and hearts, and battles is with the Word abiding in them and working in them. Father, draw them to your Word and let it dwell richly in them.

Father, in your grace and kindness you have granted me and my husband the privilege and honor to instruct our sons in the Scriptures since their early years. Now they have become Men, now it is only You and them. Now it is my time to watch them, like robust trees, bear much fruit in their life. It is only You who through your Spirit, the Word, and your church, that can establish them, and make their roots stronger and deeper; only You can make them bear much fruit, only You can make them bold and zealous, and fearless -and humble.

I pray for my sons, Lord. I pray that they will be fervent in spirit, that they will speak and teach accurately all things concerning Jesus and the gospel. I pray that their lives will match the words of Truth that come out of their mouths.

I pray for my sons, Lord. I pray that they may speak boldly in the church, in their homes, in the corners, in the public square; but that as they grow in boldness, I pray that they will grow in humility. For what is a bold man without a humble spirit and a teachable heart other than a tyrant and a prideful man? Oh, Lord, Good Master, give my sons good teachers and friends, and pastors and elders, and the desire to humble before them to learn. Give my sons friends that will be like iron in their lives, friends that will encourage them to grow in piety and that will be good examples to follow, to imitate. Give my sons feet to follow the counsel of the wise and boldness to reject the one from the wicked. Give my sons eyes and ears to listen to all, and discernment to judge according to your Word. Help them consider all the “ifs” of this life through your Word. And at the same time, Lord, I beg you, make of them good examples for others to follow. Make their lives worth imitating.

Draw my sons more to you, and to your Word so that they may grow in grace. Father, as they grow in grace give them a desire to help greatly those who have believed in you. Help my sons to grow in grace so that when the opposition comes, when the arguments of the evil men arise, they will powerfully refute them. I pray that all the days of their lives, they will not cease to see it for themselves and show in the Scriptures to others that Christ is our Savior.

I pray for my sons, Lord, I pray that they will love You and your Word more, so that they might be able to love their own wives more and more.

I pray in the name of Jesus who lives and reign forever and ever,

Amen.

Becky

Because We Never Stop Being Moms -Book Club- Chapters Seven and Eight-

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Last week I was busy enjoying my adult children and their friends in a beautiful beach in Mexico; maybe that explains why I didn’t post here.

Chapter seven has three main principles that we don’t want to overlook.

1. We are responsible for raising our children in the Lord, they are responsible for their own choices, but God alone can save our children.

Sovereign saving grace, God’s desire to save the lost, and His covenantal faithfulness should be our hope and comfort.

What a wonderful reminder to our heavy souls that God is the one who does the changing in our children’s lives. Not us. We don’t have the power to change their heart.

What a convicting exhortation to parent our sons and daughters not motivated by guilt and fear but by genuine love that has learned to rest on God alone.

“Our dollars won’t buy their love or repentance, and we can’t fund their admission into God’s Kingdom. Only the Holy Spirit can change their hearts.”

2. We need help. We need help. We need help. Yes: WE NEED HELP!

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him.” James 1:5

The author says it in such a clear way that we cannot miss the exhortation:

“[T]he Bible is the only sufficient source of wisdom for our lives. In faith we need to trust in His Word, rather than merely following our own thoughts and feelings.”

And then, an encouragement to seek the advice of godly people:

“We need objective (and sometimes tough) godly advice from friends who are not afraid of wounding us by their counsel when necessary (Prov.27:6)”

3. Saying “no” is many times the louder way to say, “I love you.”

“Only with the Lord’s help will we be able to be as strong and as patient as needed.”

I appreciated very much that under this principle, the authors advice parents to involve their pastors and elders (when the children are members of the church) in specific situations, even to the point of church discipline.

Understanding the role of the church as we raise our children is an important part of understanding the covenant bond among us.

It is important, however, to remember that saying “no,” or making drastic changes, doesn’t mean that we should totally shun them out of our lives. Maybe, you have the huge blessing of not having  wayward children, but remember that we must apply these love principles with our friends’ children to. Let us be always hospitable, waiting in hope.

 

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Chapter Eight is, in my opinion, kind of repetitive. Do you agree with me?

It is a chapter about money management and how we should not finance our children’s irresponsibility or sinful lifestyle. However, many of the important, wise, and timely advices the author mentions here, he has already pinpointed somewhere else in the book. So I want to avoid doing the same thing…

Next week we’ll be talking about chapter nine: Marriage: Our Dreams, Their Dreams. I hope you can join us.

Praying for grace as we keep pressing on, 

Becky

Because We Never Stop Being Moms -Book Club- Chapter Six

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First of all sorry for the late post, and thanks for grace and understanding!

This chapter is the perfect one in which differentiating between a principle and a method is important.  The examples the authors give at the beginning of it are more of methods based on the principles that further in the chapter the author will tackle. Understanding the difference is essential in order to embrace what one must do -Biblically speaking- in our relationship with our adult children and what we may do in specific circumstances.

For example: one may or may not have a curfew for his 19 yo daughter living at home (method), but one must protect her. That is a biblical principle.

Chapter six is about us not about our children, and as I read it I was challenged by the biblical principles that the author points here.

First of all, we, like our children, are sinners. Not because we are older and -hopefully-more wiser are free from sin. No. We often struggle with the same kind of sins that our children struggle: self-righteousness, pride, selfishness, bitterness. We need a Saviour too and we need to be washed with the Word every day. We need to ask forgiveness and be forgiven. And pride, I think you might agree, might be the most prevalent as we parent our children. The author says,

“Pride blinds us not only to our sin but also to the true struggles of others.”

And what is the opposite of pride? Humility. Thankfully humility is not something we produce in ourselves by trying hard. Humility is, the author reminds us, “the fruit of the Holy Spirit’s work in our hearts as he convicts us of sin and overwhelms us with reminders of our unmerited blessings.”

 

“Humility is that quality is Jesus’ life that enabled him to deal gently with sinners… Humility caused him to empty himself and become like us -to share in our weakness- to bear with our frailty.”

So, the principle is clear: we need humility to deal with our children.That is the starting point no matter which method we end up using.

“Humility is the eyewash we need to use every day.”

 

The authors say that we specifically need humility in these areas:

1. Humbly convey clear expectations. And I would add, humbly ask forgiveness if your expectations have not been clear or if your expectations have not been real (by this I mean that you are expecting from them to allow you to micro-manage their life under the cover of “submission”).

2. Always offer humble respect. 

“Nagging will always damage a relationship because it is not the fruit of humble respect. It is the fruit of pride and impatience.”


3. Humility speaks little and listens much. When we have a humble attitude we will find that it is more easier to listen fully and attentively -not thinking at the same time of a response with which to strike harder- (Read James 1:19, Prov. 20:5). Listening, Newheiser reminds us, is a skill that not only requires humility but love. It takes effort to be a good listener.

“Because we are sinful and proud, the majority of us are poor listeners. We’re accustomed to doing most of the talking while our kids listen to us. Listening is an easy way to demonstrate that we are sincerely interested in them as human beings. Careful listening demonstrates humble respect for their opinion and perspectives.”

When we listen humbly we are persevering in communicating with them. And as one mom pointed out, this only happens when “we refrain from interrupting or correcting our adult children.” Humble listening, of course demands that we recognize that we don’t know the correct answer at all times and that other times we have erred.

A good question to ask ourselves to see if we are humble listeners would be, “When I listen to my son/daughter’s perspective, am I  open and willing to reconsider my position?”

4. Humility makes an effort to communicate. Communicate clearly all your expectations, don’t assume that they will read your mind on all sorts of manners. I firmly believe that a clear communication clears the way to build stronger relationships.

5. Humility respects their individuality. 

“Humble respect for our kids’ individuality flows out of the truth that each one, though different, is created in the image of God.”

6. Humility admits sin and wrong. I love, love, love this principle which I think summarizes all the rest:

“Relationships can only survive where there is grace. Not only do our children need grace from us, but we also need grace from them.”

We need humility to ask forgiveness and seek reconciliation.  Ann Voskamp said it well somewhere else: “First to listen is wiser. First to forgive is freest. First to begin afresh again is happiest.”

 

“We need to incorporate grace in our parenting. Nothing must ever stop us from loving our children. “

7. God’s grace helps us assume the best of our children because “Love… hopes all things” (I Cor. 13:7).  But at the same time God’s grace will help us see the sin in our children and be blind to it.
I was reminded here of the book by Puritan Richard Sibbes, The Bruised Reed; if you have not read it and the kind of faith you see in your child ‘s life is only a weak flame, I recommend  it to you. It will sure help you see with hope those sparks of faith.



8. Humility overlooks and forgives. Our own children can hurt us, but we sin against them when we don’t forgive them quickly, but instead let bitterness be rooted in our hearts.  Humility, I would add, recognizes that God is in control of our children’s lives. Humility draws us to God in prayer for them and gives us hope when we seem there is none. 

9. A humble heart will say, “I want to spend time with you because I enjoy being with you.”

10. A humble attitude will always be willing to give. Always give your children grace in a thousand tangible ways.

The questions at the end of the chapter are very good. Don’t overlook them. I was convicted of some things as I answered them.

Note: Next week I will be traveling and might not have an easy access to Internet. So, I ask you to bear with me if you don’t see me posting timely next Wednesday.

God is good and Him our hope is secure.

Becky

Because We Never Stop Being Moms -Book Club- Chapter Five

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How was your week? Mine has been a mixture of everything: wonderful moments (visiting our dear friends in Las Vegas for a long weekend) and busy moments (having to catch up with all my papers to grade). But each day I have seen that I have been given more grace than what I’d have ever expected. God is good.

We are now in chapter five (half way through our book!), a chapter that mainly deals with three issues: being productive, financial responsibility, and living in community.

In this chapter the authors stir us up to consider how are we to live in community in our homes with our adult children when they are staying home for a season and for the good reasons. Newheiser warns us that “we might be tempted to micromanage their day or fly off the handle…” I agree. And even through distance, even if our children are off in college, we may face this same temptation because we are only a “text away” from them.

The authors recognize that not all the children of parents reading this book are Christians, so they remind their readers that “through common grace even a non-Christian can learn how to work hard and live productively in a community.” However, he also reminds us that we should never “lower our household standards to a level that would displease the Lord.”

If we could summarize the suggestions the author gives us in the next part of the book we would have these main points:

1. Develop an open friendship with your children, so that they will be open to hearing our wise counsel when they ask for it (p.71). Maybe you can review your notes on chapter one as this was an important principle Newheiser laid clearly at the beginning of the book.

2. Parents must set expectations and make them known (p.72). And I particularly love that the author reminds us that “laying out these expectations is both wise and loving.”

3. Expect them to be productive (p.72). Being lazy is a form of stealing, and not making the best use of our time is a sin. This sentence, in my opinion, summarizes the principle in a clear way:

“Rather that seeing a schedule as enslaving or as thwarting their creativity, our kids need to embrace it as the good means God has given, so that they might know the joy of accomplishing much for him (Prov.21:25).”

4. Young adults living at home should do an adult share of the housework (p.74). We have seen -and heard- this many times: children demanding to be respected and treated as adults but at the same time don’t want the full package of what it means being an adult. They want the privileges only but not the responsibilities.

“One twenty-one-year-old told us that he had learned that “nothing kills work ethic and discipline more effectively than the welfare state of parental indulgence.”

5. Establish reasonable moral standards (p.75). The reason, the motivation for this should be that we want to honor the Lord in our home. (Remember Eli and the way he neglected honoring God in his household?)

“We want to help our young people understand the difference between our negotiable house rules and timeless, biblical standards.”

6. Nothing is more important for living in community with others than trust (p.77).

7. Failure to meet expectations must result in consequences (p.78). I have found through many conversations with friends that trying to avoid the consequences we, parents, find ourselves tempted to overlook the lack of meeting of the expectations we have established beforehand. We are may times so much like Eli. We forget that God cannot be mocked, sooner or later the consequences of all our sins will come.

6. Follow through (p.80).

“Discipline is hard work and often unpleasant. “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet those who have been trained by it afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness” /Heb.12:11). But we continue to discipline our children in the hope that God will work in their hearts to make them wise.”

7. Get good, godly counsel from your pastor or trusted friend and cry out to God for the courage to do the best, most loving thing for your young adult (p.81).

I purposely left out the point in which the author says that, forcing or not an adult child living at home to go to church is a matter of personal conscience on the part of the parents. And I did so because I think that in this particular issue, the godly counsel of the pastor would always be necessary.

What about you? Thoughts?

May God give us grace to parent well each one of our children through all the different seasons of their lives.

God is faithful and good, and in Him we can fully trust,

Becky