Category Archives: Daily Life

Because We Never Stop Being Moms -Book Club- Chapter Five

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How was your week? Mine has been a mixture of everything: wonderful moments (visiting our dear friends in Las Vegas for a long weekend) and busy moments (having to catch up with all my papers to grade). But each day I have seen that I have been given more grace than what I’d have ever expected. God is good.

We are now in chapter five (half way through our book!), a chapter that mainly deals with three issues: being productive, financial responsibility, and living in community.

In this chapter the authors stir us up to consider how are we to live in community in our homes with our adult children when they are staying home for a season and for the good reasons. Newheiser warns us that “we might be tempted to micromanage their day or fly off the handle…” I agree. And even through distance, even if our children are off in college, we may face this same temptation because we are only a “text away” from them.

The authors recognize that not all the children of parents reading this book are Christians, so they remind their readers that “through common grace even a non-Christian can learn how to work hard and live productively in a community.” However, he also reminds us that we should never “lower our household standards to a level that would displease the Lord.”

If we could summarize the suggestions the author gives us in the next part of the book we would have these main points:

1. Develop an open friendship with your children, so that they will be open to hearing our wise counsel when they ask for it (p.71). Maybe you can review your notes on chapter one as this was an important principle Newheiser laid clearly at the beginning of the book.

2. Parents must set expectations and make them known (p.72). And I particularly love that the author reminds us that “laying out these expectations is both wise and loving.”

3. Expect them to be productive (p.72). Being lazy is a form of stealing, and not making the best use of our time is a sin. This sentence, in my opinion, summarizes the principle in a clear way:

“Rather that seeing a schedule as enslaving or as thwarting their creativity, our kids need to embrace it as the good means God has given, so that they might know the joy of accomplishing much for him (Prov.21:25).”

4. Young adults living at home should do an adult share of the housework (p.74). We have seen -and heard- this many times: children demanding to be respected and treated as adults but at the same time don’t want the full package of what it means being an adult. They want the privileges only but not the responsibilities.

“One twenty-one-year-old told us that he had learned that “nothing kills work ethic and discipline more effectively than the welfare state of parental indulgence.”

5. Establish reasonable moral standards (p.75). The reason, the motivation for this should be that we want to honor the Lord in our home. (Remember Eli and the way he neglected honoring God in his household?)

“We want to help our young people understand the difference between our negotiable house rules and timeless, biblical standards.”

6. Nothing is more important for living in community with others than trust (p.77).

7. Failure to meet expectations must result in consequences (p.78). I have found through many conversations with friends that trying to avoid the consequences we, parents, find ourselves tempted to overlook the lack of meeting of the expectations we have established beforehand. We are may times so much like Eli. We forget that God cannot be mocked, sooner or later the consequences of all our sins will come.

6. Follow through (p.80).

“Discipline is hard work and often unpleasant. “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet those who have been trained by it afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness” /Heb.12:11). But we continue to discipline our children in the hope that God will work in their hearts to make them wise.”

7. Get good, godly counsel from your pastor or trusted friend and cry out to God for the courage to do the best, most loving thing for your young adult (p.81).

I purposely left out the point in which the author says that, forcing or not an adult child living at home to go to church is a matter of personal conscience on the part of the parents. And I did so because I think that in this particular issue, the godly counsel of the pastor would always be necessary.

What about you? Thoughts?

May God give us grace to parent well each one of our children through all the different seasons of their lives.

God is faithful and good, and in Him we can fully trust,

Becky

On Modesty: a Question for You, Sister, who are Tired of the Modesty Talk.

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Yes, it happens in Mexico too. The “modesty talk,” and all the different opinions surrounding it. The arguments are the same, the same Bible verses about one’s liberty are also brought up. It should not surprise us, we are made of the same material here, in Brasil, in the USA, and Chile.

So, I won’t write another article to try to convince you that being immodest is a temptation for women, or that is a good, good thing to pursue modesty for the sake of God, your dad, your brothers in Christ, your future husband, your children, or your testimony (there are some who have done it wonderfully already).

I only have one question for you.

If you are a true believer and proclaim the love of Christ, why is it so hard for you to just say, 

“Because I love you, brothers and sisters in Christ, and because I have heard that the way I am dressing is a stumble block for many of you (I hadn’t stop to consider how hard it was for you to fight against pornography! Please, forgive me for not helping you!), I will just change the way I dress. No big problem at all. I love you more than I love this skirt or this top.”?

Please, dear Sister, try hard not to answer with one of the old arguments that you have already memorized. Answer this in the prayer closet (not over a coffee table with the group of friends whom you know will try to appease your conscience); be honest and give it a second thought. Pray about it, let the Scriptures speak to you and then answer it before God.

 

May God give us grace to love our neighbor as ourselves,

Becky

From Diapers to Adulthood -Why Every Struggle Counts-

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Screen Shot 2019-03-22 at 7.24.06 PMGod has brought me close to three beautiful mommas of young children, three wonderful friends with whom I enjoy sharing prayers, laughs, meals, coffee, deserts that involve chocolate and berries, and messes that only 3-10 yo children can make.  Yesterday we had a conversation about the difference between the battles and struggles mommas of young children have to deal, with those that mommas of adult children face.

And you know what, momma of little ones? That conversation made think of you. Don’t feel bad when older women come to you, give you that particular look, a pat on the back, and say somehow sarcastically, “Oh, don’t fret over potty training, or school choices, those are nothing compared to what you will be dealing with in a few years.” or “Seriously? That tantrum will be nothing in a few years from now. Just wait, one day you will be wishing it all were about little things like this one…”

The seemingly small battles are not small battles at all. The problem is that sometimes we are not used to see the big picture, the whole story; we are so tangled up in our daily duties and to-do lists, that we forget what we are actually doing with those little ones we have at our table every morning spilling milk on the floor. Keep this in mind, every decision we face, every “no,” every “yes,” every step we take (or not take) is important because day after day, over and over, we are building character in our children’s lives. The over-looked tantrums of a two year old boy, will eventually turn into the slamming of a door of a teenager, and then into a husband who yells at his wife. With every decision, with every moment of discipline, with every hug, with every book we read aloud, and with every prayer we are building an adult’s character.

And if you are the mom of adult children, please, don’t despise the struggles of younger mommas. Encourage them instead to persevere, to keep pressing on. Remember that you were once changing diapers and asked in every single online forum help on how to choose the best how-to-read curriculum; remember that you didn’t know how to teach your little one how to be polite and look in the eye of the elderly woman at church; remember that every time you asked your child to turn off his game-boy when having company (iPods were not in the market yet) was a big thing.

Each struggle, each decision that my husband and I have made in the last 20 years has brought us to where we are now with our young adult children. There were no short-cuts; it has been a day after day race.

So be encouraged; what you do today is important, is your vocation, is what God has appointed for you to do in this season. You are not just doing ordinary things. You are building lives. Read that again: You are building lives. Your words and example, your time and prayers, your hugs and the correction you firmly give in love, all are needed in the process. Don’t be weary of doing what is good. God has promised that in due season you will reap, if you don’t give up.

Becky

A Christian Community is not a Dream World.

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Westminster Bookstore

This year I’ve decided I had to re-read some books on relationships that cannot be read only once. Face to Face by Wilkins is one of them, the other one is Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  In my opinion, these two books complement each other perfectly. Wilkins warns us about the sin of isolation, and Bonhoeffer reminds us that yes, we are called to live in community, but that “Christian brotherhood is not an ideal, but a divine reality.”

Here are a few passages of Bonhoeffer’s book where he explains this in more detail:

“…One who wants more than what Christ has established does not want Christian brotherhood. He is looking for some extraordinary social experience which he has not found elsewhere; he is bringing muddled and impure desires into Christian brotherhood…”

 

“Innumerable times a whole Christian community has broken down because it had sprung from a wish dream. The serious Christan, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and try to realize it. But God’s grace speedily shatters such dreams. Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves.

By sheer grace, God will not permit us to live even for a brief period in a dream world. He does not abandon us to those rapturous experiences and lofty moods that come over like a dream… Only that fellowship which faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God’s sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to him…A community which cannot bear and cannot survive such a crisis, which insists upon keeping illusion when it should be shattered, permanently loses in that moment the promise of Christian community.  Sooner or later it will collapse… He who loves his dream of a community more that the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.”

 

“Even when sin and misunderstanding burden the communal life, is not the sinning brother still a brother, with whom I, too, stand under the Word of Christ? Will not his sin be a constant occasion for me to give thanks that both of us may live in the forgiving love of God in Jesus Christ? Thus the very hour of disillusionment with my brother becomes incomparably salutary, because it so thoroughly  teaches me that neither of us can never live by our own words and deeds, but only by the one Word and Deed which really binds us together -the forgiveness of sins in Jesus Christ. When the morning mist of dreams vanish, then dawns the bright day of Christian fellowship.”

 

“What love is, only Christ tells in His Word. Contrary to all my own opinions and convictions, Jesus Christ will tell me what love toward the brethren really is. Therefore, spiritual love is bound solely to the Word of Jesus Christ. Where Christ bids me to maintain fellowship for the sake of love, I will maintain it. Where his truth enjoins me to dissolve a fellowship for love’s sake, there I will dissolve it, despite all the protests of my human love.”

Yes, I have many times built ideal dreams of the Christian community in my mind, and yes, the reality is different; but as I have been given the grace to see the imperfections in it and not deny them, I have loved it even more.

For grace to grow, build bridges, and edify lives today,

Becky

Because I Want you to Read Along -A Book Giveaway-

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I don’t know if it’s only me, but I can hardly find blogs, books, or good articles to encourage women who, like me, are entering this new stage in life in which “all of a sudden” you are a mom of young adult children. Soemtimes Nancy Wilson at Femina, and Carolyn Mahaney at Girltalk have some pretty good -and challenging- stuff for us, but for the most part, what is written out there is directed towards young moms.

Yesterday I shared about a book I will start reading and, God willing, blogging about starting on February 5. This book, You Never Stop Being a Parent: Thriving in Relationship with Your Adult Children,  will certainly be a blessing to many women who are asking themselves many questions like how their role as a mom changes once their children become adults. So, today, and because I really want you to join me reading in along, and because I know some of my friends are purposely not buying any more books on 2014 (only after they finish the pile they already have at home!), I have decided to give away one copy of this book.

 

An invitation to read along

So if you want your name to be in the drawing, just leave a comment here. I will announce a winner next  Wednesday, January 22 (USA only).

And if you are not in this season of life yet, make sure to pass the voice among your friends, and don’t forget to enter your name in there; if you win, you can give the book to your friend, you know she will be very happy, right?

Under His sun and by His grace,

Becky

So, I am the Mom of Adult Children; What do I do Now? -And an Invitation to Read a Book among Friends-

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There comes a day when three of your children are in college, and right after that comes the day in which the oldest of them bows on his knee to propose marriage to a beautiful young lady. That day you know you are, without a doubt, in a different stage of life. So you smile, swallow hard, and give thanks.

Yes, that’s it. The tiny hands pulling from your skirt, the toys all over, the three-lines songs about chickens and cows are way past gone. No more diapers, no more hours trying to choose the best homeschool curriculum, no more multiplication tables or Latin chants. You are, finally, living in the days which, for the first months in the life of your oldest child, you were sure were never going to come. Yes, oh yes, children do grow up. Pretty fast. In front of our eyes. Eating our food -soul food and body food- And it doesn’t matter if at times we feel like we don’t even know when or how in the world that thing happened.

We believe we are, finally, in the stage in which the sleepless nights are gone…

Oh, wait.

Seriously?

No, not really. We now pray all night while they sleep.

Now, as I see my son and his fiancé planning their wedding; as I listen to my daughter’s deepest heart’s beats as she starts a courtship relationship; as I listen attentively to my youngest son’s dreams; and as I pay attention and watch the way he is building those dreams with his own hands, I find myself asking,  What do I do now? What am I suppose to do now, Lord?

Three words keep coming to my heart (my words for 2014) as I try to answer these questions:

Grow where you are. In this new stage of life, learn and grow.

Build bridges among them and towards them.

Edify their lives with words and deeds.

I know well that in order to grow I first need to learn. Learn new rhythms, new patterns; I must learn how to play on the stage of life the new roles God has assigned me. And just as I read dozens of books on parenting, and childrearing, and potty training, and the reproduction of brain cells in the early stages of life -listening to Mozart, of course-, I now need to sit down again and read to learn.

I want to learn how to be a faithful mom of adult children, a wise mother-in-law, and a good wife to my husband in this new and unknown season of our life together.

Perhaps you too are entering into this new season or maybe you are already changing the diapers of your grandchildren! It doesn’t really matter, I am thinking that we should read this one book along, and then come and sit together here, once a week, to discuss it and encourage one other to learn and grow so that we can effectively build relationships with our sons and daughters, as well as keep edifying their lives.

Will you join me?

Buy through Grace and Truth Books

The book: You Never Stop Being a Parent: Thriving in Relationship with Your Adult Children by Elise Fitzpatrick and Jim Newheiser

The plan: A chapter a week starting on February 5 (there are 10 chapters, a conclusion and four appendixes). I would love, ideally, to finish it on April 2.

You have enough time to order your book and get it before February 5. I really hope you can join me, I am sure it will be a blessing.

Grow, Build, and Edify in Him and through Him,

Becky